Sleepless at Midnight

I’m beyond exhausted yet I can’t sleep. I guess there is just too much on my mind at the moment. A few things in particular. And definitely one person in particular. Eeps. It really sucks when you find something you have been looking for for so long and yet you seem to keep fucking it up. Welcome to the story of my life. If I had to write my autobiography, the title would just have to be “Fuck”. It can just sum up so much. Every time I hear his voice I freeze. It’s intoxicating. I could easily fall asleep listening to him talk. Not because of boredom but because of how beautiful his voice is. We were supposed to meet earlier tonight. I was just about to walk out the door when he said he was tired. I could swear the joke is always on me. It never fails. Sure I was upset but definitely more disappointed. The pissed part came after I saw he posted again on CL. My heart sank. If it literally could have fallen into my stomach it would have. Then all of the worst possible scenarios entered into my mind. Like he got a reply that quick and was going to meet someone else. It kind of seemed like it could happen because he wasn’t answering his phone. Fucked up again. But then again he did call me after he posted so who knows. I still can’t believe he took down his other post out of respect for me. That completely baffled me. I guess there really are decent guys still out there. I would just love a chance with him. He said we would meet tomorrow so we shall see. It was cute though that he said he was very nervous. Maybe alot of this is just because it doesn’t seem real and seeing him would cement that it is. I hope I do get to see him. I would love to hug him that’s for sure. And to see that gorgeous smile in person. He could also see that I’m not a psycho whatsoever. I’m just me. Normal and nothing special. Yep. It’s official. I am kicking myself in the ass. LOL.

So on a different note I go put the deposit down on my new place tomorrow. Whoot! Then it’s going to be a crazy 30 days or less of packing. I basically will have to be in by the Tuesday after Easter. I really don’t want to move on Easter. So it looks like I will be taking a day or so off of work for a very long weekend. It shouldn’t be too bad though since I don’t have a whole ton of stuff here and most is easy to pack. It should only take one trip. And it will certainly be an emotional departure. I’ve been here for 3 years now and while I love my place it’s getting too expensive (1k for a 1 bedroom…giveĀ  me a break and not a kit kat thank you). Plus I will have more room and all. And I will be closer to everyone.

I got looking through some old pictures earlier. Wow! It’s amazing to see what a difference a few years make. I look and am completely different than I was back then. I see pictures of me with Sara and while it seems like yesterday, I can see such a difference. Especially with how much weight I’ve lost. I really haven’t realized it until now. While I have come a long way, I still have a bit to go. Maybe another 30 or 40 and I should be good.

I’ve also gotten back into touch with some old friends and it has been great. Talking with Tee and Beth again is awesome. And J and I are still like our long lost sister selves. It’s eerie how we are with each other. I miss her dearly and hope to see her when I go back home in a few months. Tee is just as crazy as ever but it’s awesome to be talking to her again. She was the one who was there when I really needed it the most and she actually gave me the strength to leave.

<god I need an Undertow right about now>

I’m also going to be learning to shoot soon. Jay was nice enough to offer to teach me since I would feel much more comfortable learning from someone I know. Plus he is one of the few who isn’t afraid to see me with a gun in my hand and isn’t scared I’m going to shoot them. WTH is it with people thinking that just because a girl has a gun that she is going to shoot them? You can only kick a guy in the nads a certain amount of times before he isn’t going to feel it anymore. I’m not necessarily going to go right out and get a gun but I at least want to know how to shoot. Mark that off of my 100 things to do.

Blah. I should probably attempt to sleep now. I have a lot to do first thing in the morning and I want to make sure I’m done early so I can see Tommy if everything is okay. I hope it is. I wish I could be cuddled up with him right now. He seems like he would be the perfect person to cuddle with too. And he likes to cuddle. Major kudos there! At least I am finally making my blogs public. The others will eventually be public if this book deal goes through. It will be awesome if it does. I’d love to be published. Granted the content isn’t exactly pretty but as long as one person gains strength from it then it will be all worth it.

I really hope I was wrong about earlier. :-/

<off to dream>