A Dream

I’m sitting on the grassy ground, legs dangling effortlessly over the edge of the small plateau. The silent night sky engulfs me as the stars pattern the darkness. The serene peacefulness allows my mind to travel into worlds unexplored by my imagination. My thoughts drift aimlessly between worlds of hope and dreams and of love and disappointments. Contemplating some of my life’s more serious questions. What is my destined purpose in this world? Do I even have a purpose? Does my life have a meaning in the end? Have I really grown from the mistakes I’ve made in the past? Will this still semi-broken heart ever be mended? Will my life and heart ever experience the emotions, the feelings, and the joys of being in love and have that love returned to me? Then in silence my thoughts turn to you. I may be alone under the starry sky but you certainly keep me company in my mind. Images of you play through my mind like  slideshow on an old-fashion, antique projector. Your face. Your eyes. Your adoring smile. The personality held by your soul radiates through those slides. Your caring heart. The way you can always seem to get me to smile and laugh no matter the situation. Just the way you make me feel. The warm and fuzzy butterflies feelings. Thoughts of wonder begin to play on the video in my mind. BAM! All of a sudden I am awoken from my night dreams. The once starry sky is now blazen with colors of red, green. blue, yellow, and white. The crackles, shapes, and thunderous booms of fireworks interrupt the silence I was enjoying. I open my wandering eyes just in time to view the fireworks enveloping the sky and water before me. My mind is fixed upon the radiant bursts of color. The explosions get louder and more frequent as the sky begins to look more like a kaleidescope.  Boom! Boom! Crack! Pop! Boom!  Snap! Then it was over and the silence enveloped me once again. I just lie there in the now dewy grass. My mind quickly chases up to meet you and where I find you is in my hopes and dreams. How I wished you could have been there with me. For me to be cradled in your arms underneath the clear, moonlit sky. I get up and dust myself off before heading to my slumber, where I will finally meet you in my endless dreams.

~I found this in one of my journals and thought it was kind of neat so I posted it.

No Matter What

No matter what…No matter if we argue…or fight…or disagree…You will always hold a special place in my heart and will mean the world to me…

We won’t always see eye to eye or agree on everything…We won’t always understand each other…Whether it be thoughts or feelings or opinions…

But we will always hold together the relationship that is shared between us.

My Return

It’s been quite some time since I have blogged online. I tend to typically write in my bound journals. And only usually when really horrid or wretched things happen in my life. As more and more profound things have begun to happen in my life and the subsequent thoughts associated with said events, I am feeling the need to write and express more now than ever.

It’s amazing on how fast one’s life can change. Within the last 9 months, my life has changed remarkably. To me, it seemed like my life was completely out of control and chaotic during the beginning of those months. Much to my surprise, it was actually life’s way of sorting everything out. I’m not exactly quite sure when it happened but when it did, it hit me like a ton of bricks. It was one of those things you never quite expected to happen. Of course, it it something you want but rarely achieve even with trying your hardest. As crazy and unpredictable my life has always been, I never envisioned that dream coming true.

Of course, many events have occurred during that 9 month period of time. I believe what sparked the beginning of this journey would be the loss of a love. At that very time, it was quite a devastating experience. To be in a city you are still unfamiliar with and to be left to basically fend for yourself. It was not a pretty picture by any means. Once I came to grips with what I had to do, I set out to do it; a quality I never really possessed before. I was always the worst kind of procrastinator. I have to admit that even today I still am to some extent but not on the important things. I picked up the pieces and stood up to the unknown with my head held high.

I learned a lesson in the miracle of being and life in December. I was given that in the birth of the baby kittens. As overwhelming as it was at the time, I wouldn’t change the experience for anything in the world. I remember there was a moment when I was overly exhausted and at my wit’s end around Christmas. The kittens were only a few weeks old if that and I desperately needed to pack for my trip home for the holidays. I was laying on the bathroom floor petting the kittens as I did daily with Christmas carols playing in the not so far distance. A beautiful rendition of “Carol of the Bells” came on the radio and one of the tabbies (who now is named Lily) awoke and just looked up at me and let out the cutest meow. That exact moment completely changed my perspective on those little ones. Here is this beautiful and precious thing sitting before me and was lucky enough to be born in my home rather than on the cold, hard concrete outside. It hit me that I helped to nurture this little being and that if it weren’t for me taking in her mother, she could very well be dead. Tears formed in my eyes and it was at that moment that I fell in love with the kittens, who are now named Drake, Ryder, Marley, Chloe, and Lily. Even to this day, they continue to be a blessing. Sure, even now, there are times when life seems incredibly overwhelming but I just take a look into their eyes and realize how precious life can be. As I write this, Marley is curled up beside me and is purring his lungs out.

Friends have come and friends have gone as well. I am starting to believe that the whole journey I just embarked upon was not only one of growing but sorting out as well. I’ve never been blessed with having the greatest people come into my life. Most have always wanted something from me and always wanted to take, take, take. And those who were just plain out rotten. Of course, I have also met some beautiful people along the way. Those are the friends who I hold dear to my heart and love to death (Danielle, J, Karl, Nikki, Aleksei, and Nate). Some I have known for years, while others have just recently come into my life. Either way, they have left an imprint upon my soul.

I have also learned the true meaning of friendship. It’s not something one should take for granted. It is something that is to be treasured and not taken advantage of. Friends are those people who are beside you for all of the good and bad that life may present to you. They are ones who will hold your hand when you are scared and will shed tears when they hear or see you cry. They are the ones who you can call upon at any hour of the day and you know they will be there, even if it just to lend an ear. Friends support any decision you make regardless of the opinions they have on them. They help you realize your dreams and accompany you on the journey of going after those said dreams (thanks Aleksei). Each of my very close friends have had a profound impact on my life. Danielle has seen me at some of the worst times in my life and has always seen the positive in the situation and has quickly pointed out the good in everything. Nikki has also seen the same. She has seen me conquer the worst friendship I have ever had in my life. She is always there and has also given me the precious gift of a god-daughter. J…Wow is about all I can say about J…She is a remarkable person and I still say that we were twins separated by birth. She has helped me to come to grips with this disease that will never go away. She has given me the inspiration to battle it head on and not to let it overcome me. Karl has been that little brother that I never had. Our friendship has grown intensely strong lately when both of us have been presented with difficult times. He always has the best advice and I can always count on him to make me laugh until my sides are ready to burst. My friendship with Aleksei has really endured alot. He’s one of the biggest supporters of me going after my dreams. He’s also one of the very few males in this world that can make me feel like I am a beautiful person inside and out. And last but not least, Nate. I get tears in my eyes just thinking of the relationship the two of us have. We certainly are true and close friends but it feels so much stronger than that, and not necessarily on a romantic level either. Sure, I will admit there are some fairly strong feelings with him but he has been the one man who has come into my life that has made me question a majority of my thoughts, feelings, and opinions on many subjects. He has been the one to completely break down every single guard and barrier that I have ever put up and he has done it flawlessly and effortlessly. Nate has been the one who has shown me the real, hardcore, truth, and meaning behind friendship.

Wow! I could go on forever about everything that is floating up inside of my head at the very moment but alas and unfortunately I do need to heading to work. I will definitely be finishing up this entry after I return.

I’m coming into my own and have returned on many levels.