Sleepless at Midnight

I’m beyond exhausted yet I can’t sleep. I guess there is just too much on my mind at the moment. A few things in particular. And definitely one person in particular. Eeps. It really sucks when you find something you have been looking for for so long and yet you seem to keep fucking it up. Welcome to the story of my life. If I had to write my autobiography, the title would just have to be “Fuck”. It can just sum up so much. Every time I hear his voice I freeze. It’s intoxicating. I could easily fall asleep listening to him talk. Not because of boredom but because of how beautiful his voice is. We were supposed to meet earlier tonight. I was just about to walk out the door when he said he was tired. I could swear the joke is always on me. It never fails. Sure I was upset but definitely more disappointed. The pissed part came after I saw he posted again on CL. My heart sank. If it literally could have fallen into my stomach it would have. Then all of the worst possible scenarios entered into my mind. Like he got a reply that quick and was going to meet someone else. It kind of seemed like it could happen because he wasn’t answering his phone. Fucked up again. But then again he did call me after he posted so who knows. I still can’t believe he took down his other post out of respect for me. That completely baffled me. I guess there really are decent guys still out there. I would just love a chance with him. He said we would meet tomorrow so we shall see. It was cute though that he said he was very nervous. Maybe alot of this is just because it doesn’t seem real and seeing him would cement that it is. I hope I do get to see him. I would love to hug him that’s for sure. And to see that gorgeous smile in person. He could also see that I’m not a psycho whatsoever. I’m just me. Normal and nothing special. Yep. It’s official. I am kicking myself in the ass. LOL.

So on a different note I go put the deposit down on my new place tomorrow. Whoot! Then it’s going to be a crazy 30 days or less of packing. I basically will have to be in by the Tuesday after Easter. I really don’t want to move on Easter. So it looks like I will be taking a day or so off of work for a very long weekend. It shouldn’t be too bad though since I don’t have a whole ton of stuff here and most is easy to pack. It should only take one trip. And it will certainly be an emotional departure. I’ve been here for 3 years now and while I love my place it’s getting too expensive (1k for a 1 bedroom…give  me a break and not a kit kat thank you). Plus I will have more room and all. And I will be closer to everyone.

I got looking through some old pictures earlier. Wow! It’s amazing to see what a difference a few years make. I look and am completely different than I was back then. I see pictures of me with Sara and while it seems like yesterday, I can see such a difference. Especially with how much weight I’ve lost. I really haven’t realized it until now. While I have come a long way, I still have a bit to go. Maybe another 30 or 40 and I should be good.

I’ve also gotten back into touch with some old friends and it has been great. Talking with Tee and Beth again is awesome. And J and I are still like our long lost sister selves. It’s eerie how we are with each other. I miss her dearly and hope to see her when I go back home in a few months. Tee is just as crazy as ever but it’s awesome to be talking to her again. She was the one who was there when I really needed it the most and she actually gave me the strength to leave.

<god I need an Undertow right about now>

I’m also going to be learning to shoot soon. Jay was nice enough to offer to teach me since I would feel much more comfortable learning from someone I know. Plus he is one of the few who isn’t afraid to see me with a gun in my hand and isn’t scared I’m going to shoot them. WTH is it with people thinking that just because a girl has a gun that she is going to shoot them? You can only kick a guy in the nads a certain amount of times before he isn’t going to feel it anymore. I’m not necessarily going to go right out and get a gun but I at least want to know how to shoot. Mark that off of my 100 things to do.

Blah. I should probably attempt to sleep now. I have a lot to do first thing in the morning and I want to make sure I’m done early so I can see Tommy if everything is okay. I hope it is. I wish I could be cuddled up with him right now. He seems like he would be the perfect person to cuddle with too. And he likes to cuddle. Major kudos there! At least I am finally making my blogs public. The others will eventually be public if this book deal goes through. It will be awesome if it does. I’d love to be published. Granted the content isn’t exactly pretty but as long as one person gains strength from it then it will be all worth it.

I really hope I was wrong about earlier. :-/

<off to dream>

A Dream

I’m sitting on the grassy ground, legs dangling effortlessly over the edge of the small plateau. The silent night sky engulfs me as the stars pattern the darkness. The serene peacefulness allows my mind to travel into worlds unexplored by my imagination. My thoughts drift aimlessly between worlds of hope and dreams and of love and disappointments. Contemplating some of my life’s more serious questions. What is my destined purpose in this world? Do I even have a purpose? Does my life have a meaning in the end? Have I really grown from the mistakes I’ve made in the past? Will this still semi-broken heart ever be mended? Will my life and heart ever experience the emotions, the feelings, and the joys of being in love and have that love returned to me? Then in silence my thoughts turn to you. I may be alone under the starry sky but you certainly keep me company in my mind. Images of you play through my mind like  slideshow on an old-fashion, antique projector. Your face. Your eyes. Your adoring smile. The personality held by your soul radiates through those slides. Your caring heart. The way you can always seem to get me to smile and laugh no matter the situation. Just the way you make me feel. The warm and fuzzy butterflies feelings. Thoughts of wonder begin to play on the video in my mind. BAM! All of a sudden I am awoken from my night dreams. The once starry sky is now blazen with colors of red, green. blue, yellow, and white. The crackles, shapes, and thunderous booms of fireworks interrupt the silence I was enjoying. I open my wandering eyes just in time to view the fireworks enveloping the sky and water before me. My mind is fixed upon the radiant bursts of color. The explosions get louder and more frequent as the sky begins to look more like a kaleidescope.  Boom! Boom! Crack! Pop! Boom!  Snap! Then it was over and the silence enveloped me once again. I just lie there in the now dewy grass. My mind quickly chases up to meet you and where I find you is in my hopes and dreams. How I wished you could have been there with me. For me to be cradled in your arms underneath the clear, moonlit sky. I get up and dust myself off before heading to my slumber, where I will finally meet you in my endless dreams.

~I found this in one of my journals and thought it was kind of neat so I posted it.

No Matter What

No matter what…No matter if we argue…or fight…or disagree…You will always hold a special place in my heart and will mean the world to me…

We won’t always see eye to eye or agree on everything…We won’t always understand each other…Whether it be thoughts or feelings or opinions…

But we will always hold together the relationship that is shared between us.

My Return

It’s been quite some time since I have blogged online. I tend to typically write in my bound journals. And only usually when really horrid or wretched things happen in my life. As more and more profound things have begun to happen in my life and the subsequent thoughts associated with said events, I am feeling the need to write and express more now than ever.

It’s amazing on how fast one’s life can change. Within the last 9 months, my life has changed remarkably. To me, it seemed like my life was completely out of control and chaotic during the beginning of those months. Much to my surprise, it was actually life’s way of sorting everything out. I’m not exactly quite sure when it happened but when it did, it hit me like a ton of bricks. It was one of those things you never quite expected to happen. Of course, it it something you want but rarely achieve even with trying your hardest. As crazy and unpredictable my life has always been, I never envisioned that dream coming true.

Of course, many events have occurred during that 9 month period of time. I believe what sparked the beginning of this journey would be the loss of a love. At that very time, it was quite a devastating experience. To be in a city you are still unfamiliar with and to be left to basically fend for yourself. It was not a pretty picture by any means. Once I came to grips with what I had to do, I set out to do it; a quality I never really possessed before. I was always the worst kind of procrastinator. I have to admit that even today I still am to some extent but not on the important things. I picked up the pieces and stood up to the unknown with my head held high.

I learned a lesson in the miracle of being and life in December. I was given that in the birth of the baby kittens. As overwhelming as it was at the time, I wouldn’t change the experience for anything in the world. I remember there was a moment when I was overly exhausted and at my wit’s end around Christmas. The kittens were only a few weeks old if that and I desperately needed to pack for my trip home for the holidays. I was laying on the bathroom floor petting the kittens as I did daily with Christmas carols playing in the not so far distance. A beautiful rendition of “Carol of the Bells” came on the radio and one of the tabbies (who now is named Lily) awoke and just looked up at me and let out the cutest meow. That exact moment completely changed my perspective on those little ones. Here is this beautiful and precious thing sitting before me and was lucky enough to be born in my home rather than on the cold, hard concrete outside. It hit me that I helped to nurture this little being and that if it weren’t for me taking in her mother, she could very well be dead. Tears formed in my eyes and it was at that moment that I fell in love with the kittens, who are now named Drake, Ryder, Marley, Chloe, and Lily. Even to this day, they continue to be a blessing. Sure, even now, there are times when life seems incredibly overwhelming but I just take a look into their eyes and realize how precious life can be. As I write this, Marley is curled up beside me and is purring his lungs out.

Friends have come and friends have gone as well. I am starting to believe that the whole journey I just embarked upon was not only one of growing but sorting out as well. I’ve never been blessed with having the greatest people come into my life. Most have always wanted something from me and always wanted to take, take, take. And those who were just plain out rotten. Of course, I have also met some beautiful people along the way. Those are the friends who I hold dear to my heart and love to death (Danielle, J, Karl, Nikki, Aleksei, and Nate). Some I have known for years, while others have just recently come into my life. Either way, they have left an imprint upon my soul.

I have also learned the true meaning of friendship. It’s not something one should take for granted. It is something that is to be treasured and not taken advantage of. Friends are those people who are beside you for all of the good and bad that life may present to you. They are ones who will hold your hand when you are scared and will shed tears when they hear or see you cry. They are the ones who you can call upon at any hour of the day and you know they will be there, even if it just to lend an ear. Friends support any decision you make regardless of the opinions they have on them. They help you realize your dreams and accompany you on the journey of going after those said dreams (thanks Aleksei). Each of my very close friends have had a profound impact on my life. Danielle has seen me at some of the worst times in my life and has always seen the positive in the situation and has quickly pointed out the good in everything. Nikki has also seen the same. She has seen me conquer the worst friendship I have ever had in my life. She is always there and has also given me the precious gift of a god-daughter. J…Wow is about all I can say about J…She is a remarkable person and I still say that we were twins separated by birth. She has helped me to come to grips with this disease that will never go away. She has given me the inspiration to battle it head on and not to let it overcome me. Karl has been that little brother that I never had. Our friendship has grown intensely strong lately when both of us have been presented with difficult times. He always has the best advice and I can always count on him to make me laugh until my sides are ready to burst. My friendship with Aleksei has really endured alot. He’s one of the biggest supporters of me going after my dreams. He’s also one of the very few males in this world that can make me feel like I am a beautiful person inside and out. And last but not least, Nate. I get tears in my eyes just thinking of the relationship the two of us have. We certainly are true and close friends but it feels so much stronger than that, and not necessarily on a romantic level either. Sure, I will admit there are some fairly strong feelings with him but he has been the one man who has come into my life that has made me question a majority of my thoughts, feelings, and opinions on many subjects. He has been the one to completely break down every single guard and barrier that I have ever put up and he has done it flawlessly and effortlessly. Nate has been the one who has shown me the real, hardcore, truth, and meaning behind friendship.

Wow! I could go on forever about everything that is floating up inside of my head at the very moment but alas and unfortunately I do need to heading to work. I will definitely be finishing up this entry after I return.

I’m coming into my own and have returned on many levels.


The physical scares you left will heal

For time heals all wounds

Or does it?

The emotional torment you caused my soul

Will last a lifetime

You cheated and you lied

With all of your unforgiving actions

Parts of my soul have died

I’ve moved on

And desperately want to love another fully

But you’ve stolen that from my life

I yearn to trust my lover

But I fear history will repeat itself

You’ve left me so scared that I can’t enjoy life

I can’t be happy since you damaged my soul

You’ve tarnished me

I want more than anything else in this world

To experience the joy of pure happiness

To experience it with my new love

My new life with him is

Something I’ve longed for forever

He’s all I’ve ever dreamed of

Someone who would do anything for me in a heartbeat

And is truly sorry if he hurts me

You were cold and enraged

You took so much from my soul

That those wounds will never in a lifetime heal

I only wish someone would do the same to ou

So you can feel the pain

the torment

the desires

And most of all

-the everlasting insecurities.


I'm kind of lost in my own thoughts of you

I can't believe what you did to me

Calling me a bitch because I speak what's on my mind

For you it's just a memory but for me it still lives on

It's not so easy to forget

All the years you violated me

What did I do to deserve this slow burn

I often wonder why I carry all this guilt

When it's you that helped me put up all these walls I've built

And it hurts my soul because I can't let go

All these walls are caving in

I can't stop my suffering

I hate to show that I've lost control

Because I keep going right back

To the one thing I need to walk away from

The bruises fade but the pain remains the same

And I still remember how you kept me so afraid

And every morning that I wake I look back at yesterday

And I'm okay

I am beautiful no matter what you say

Words can't bring me down

I am beautiful in every single way

So don't you bring me down today

I won't let you break me

I'm leaving today

Saying farewell to every single lie

And all the fears I've held too long inside

Turning down the memories of yesteryears

And broken dreams

But now I've found I'm feeling strong

And I'm moving on

I'm finally free

I never want to dwell on the pain again

There's no use in reliving how I hurt back then

Remembering too well the hell I felt when I was running out of faith

After all of the stealing and cheating

You probably think that I hold resentment for you

But you're wrong

Because if it wasn't for all that you did

I wouldn't know how capable I am to pull through

So I want to say thank you

Because it makes me that much stronger

Makes me work a little bit harder

It makes me that much wiser

So thanks in the end for making me a fighter.

So far untitled

I feel the silence down into the hollows of my soul

It helps me to find the me and makes me whole

At times it’s dark and scary there

It gives me a place within myself to share

There’s time I’m there that bother me so

But how else would I ever get to know

Sometimes it’s bright and full of love

It’s those times I feel the presence from above

I feel that deep need from my heart

I know that’s the only place for me to start

To heal myself from all those sorrows

And enjoy the up and coming tomorrows.

The Past Series Part I

You took my money

You took my heart

You took my pride

And that’s just a small start.


You abused me

You tormented me

You riciduled me

You threatened to kill me.


You stole my soul

You stole my pride

You stole my sense

You stole my emotions.


You ransacked my life

You damaged my being

You scarred my body

You killed my life.